The moment I stepped foot on the farm, I began losing my identity. The fact that Tracy and I were twins made it automatically hard to tell us apart. Our new "grandpa" - a man who saw us literally every day once we moved there - NEVER learned our names. This guy always gave me a weird vibe, and I never really liked him - but he never even tried to learn our names, let alone tell us apart! Granted we had similarities for sure, but we are fraternal twins! This means we are technically no more alike than any other siblings. But because most people didn’t want to take the time to get to know us we just became “the girls.” There were so many times on the farm when we were called to do something and it was just, “Fred and girls, come here.” Of course back then it annoyed me, but I never realized just how much that made me lose my own, personal identity. I was constantly in need of having Tracy there with me because when she wasn’t I didn’t feel whole.
When our mom met our “dad” and moved to the farm, I was excited to have more family because my mom's family is pretty small. However, the large family wasn’t as exciting as I had hoped. From the day we became part of the family I felt like an outsider. It was like because we weren’t blood we were never truly accepted. We would attend family functions and events, but it always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Not to sound petty, but as kids, you notice things like gifts and personal attention. These are things that say to a kid, "Hey, you're important." And yet on birthdays and holidays, Tracy, Fred and I always got fewer gifts than our cousins. It was even worse for Tracy and me because there were two birthdays at once, and no one ever wanted to buy gifts for both of us; so we would just get less.
After living on the farm a few years and feeling really disconnected from the family, I found myself hoping something would change to make me feel more like a true member of the Ludwig family. Sometime between 7 and 8 years of age, I got my wish. Mom approached Fred, Tracy and me to see how we would feel about being officially adopted! This meant we would have the same last name as our mom and “dad” and could be a member of the larger family. We were beyond excited. We never knew our biological father, so we didn’t care if we had his last name or not. All we knew of him was that he lived in another state (Wisconsin) and that we went there once to see an aunt and cousins.
The Wisconsin family that I did know I mostly knew through packages I received in the mail. The sister and brother-in-law of my biological father were my godparents, so they would send me things periodically for my birthday or holidays. It was one of the times that I felt like I actually was someone special. I had to make a decision about losing these people as my godparents if we went through with the adoption. My mom wanted to cut off all communication with that family once the adoption was complete. I would get new godparents (the brother and sister-in-law of my new "dad”). Since I never saw my Wisconsin aunt and uncle anyways, I figured it would be fine to make this transition. Plus, I was hoping that being the godchild of an aunt and uncle who lived closer would mean I would get even more presents! It didn’t work out that way. These new godparents treated me the same way they always had. I was no one special to them.
With that, the paperwork was drawn up, and we were scheduled to officially be Ludwigs. I found out later that my biological father knew about this and had to sign away his rights to being our father. I learned that he felt like this was the best thing to do since he had issues with alcohol at the time and lived too far away to truly have a relationship with us anyway.
Our name change/adoption didn’t happen until a few weeks into the school year. I remember meeting with our teachers beforehand and asking to change the roster to our new names for the start of the year since we knew it would be official soon enough. So when third grade started, I was officially Trudy Ludwig! It was so amazing to finally have the same name as the rest of the family! But that excitement didn’t last long. Sure, it was cool to feel like I fit in, but a name change didn't change where we came from. I was still not a blood relation, and I still felt left out. About the only person that ever made me feel like I was part of the family was my cousin Joey. He was the son of my “dad’s” brother (not my new godparent’s son), and he was very close in age to us - only a week and a day older than Tracy and me. As we got older, we continued to be close and even deemed ourselves the “Ludwig Trio.” We were lucky to have him in our lives because he accepted us and just wanted to be friends - no matter where we came from. Out of all the people who should have cared for us, it was this kid our own age who gave us what no one else was willing to - an identity.
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