Friday, November 16, 2018

The Price of Childhood


Warning: This blog contains mature content that may be triggering.


Watching from above became my new normal for the next several years of my life. I would watch this girl like she was someone else, all the while knowing she was me and that I didn’t have the power to stop anything that was happening to her.


One moment I would be a kid and the next I would be living a nightmare. For instance, if my siblings and I wanted to ride our bikes into town to hit up the only store there - to get ALL the candy - we would need adult permission. After all, we were only 10 to 12 years old. However, that adult permission came with a pretty big price. At least for me.


Looking back, it seems like I was more of an object than a person at that age, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. If we were to get permission to ride our bikes into town, I would need to be the one to ask my “dad,” and nine times out of 10, he would say, “Yes.” Of course, that, “Yes,” only came after he would have his way with me. He would lay me down on his bed and either perform oral sex on me, as I have previously mentioned, or he would take things even further.


Him going past the touching and oral stuff was something I didn’t talk about much when I was younger but have started to open up about more as I get older. I want it all out there. I want people in my life to try to understand how terrible life was and how the things that happened to me were really hard to talk about.


As I have mentioned before, my “dad” would often pick me up like a “sack of potatoes” and take me into my parents’ room. Then, it would start with him performing oral sex on me. However, that would quickly progress into something more. He would lie on top of me and French kiss me with his nasty tobacco mouth while he was naked, and before I knew it, he would be inside of me. The first time it happened was shocking. I can’t say I remember the specifics, but a part of me liked it and felt wrong all at the same time. This feeling persisted every single time he did it.


The good news is that, after he would rape me (his own “child”), he would give me the permission I had asked for so my siblings and I could ride our bikes into town. Sometimes, I would even get a little extra spending money so I could get more candy! So, you know, I suppose I won … right?


I was suddenly a kid again. For the time being.


Soulfire Gala in Lansing, MI 2017
This artwork represents my healing journey. See artist description below.

Airborne: The piece is about the cosmic bond between Trudy, her sister, and her brother and the strength they conjured to lift themselves from their trauma. The tree is a special symbol for Trudy and her sister, symbolizing rooted strength, growth and new beginnings. Marked in the tree you can see the term "give up" crossed out which is a reminder Trudy uses in her daily life to eliminate possibility of succumbing to defeat.

Finally Starting Life

I will always remember the day my life truly began ― a couple of months before I turned 15. It was Friday, March 20, 1998. I was a freshman ...